Updated: Dec 19, 2018
And we wonder why our partner doesn't know what we want...
The quote above is one that I’ve seen circulating on social media a lot lately and I felt so strongly about its inaccuracy, that I decided to write about it.
“The right one will know exactly what to do and when to do it.”
This last line is what really gets me. Essentially this line reinforces the misconception that the "right one" is a mindreader and will magically know all the inner workings of who you are and what makes you tick, without communication. When I put it that way, I’m sure it seems obvious that this simply does not make sense. However, I would argue that this concept is one of the BIGGEST reasons relationships don’t last or even start— lack of communication.
But it’s ok, it’s not your fault. We, collectively, tend to think like this because there’s never been a stronger force telling us otherwise. We don’t think this way on purpose. Almost all of it ties back to fear and the ego— the fear of rejection and abandonment and our ego refusing to let ourselves be in situations where there is a risk of getting hurt.
We often don’t express our needs or concerns to our partner because we expect what’s obvious in our own minds to be just as obvious to our partner, and this simply is not the case.
So when our partner does or says something that irritates us or makes us sad; or our partner is not showing us love, in the ways we would like, instead of bringing it up for discussion, we bottle it up and convince ourselves it’s “not important” or “they’ll figure it out eventually.” But it is inevitable that at some point we will run into the same issue again because it was never brought up and talked about the first time. If this pattern continues, resentment grows and we reach a breaking point and likely also a break-up.
Now going back to this quote— there is only one line that I agree with and it is this:
“Do not ask him (or her) to care about you.”
I stand by this 150%. You shouldn’t ever have to convince someone to care about you. That should come naturally. Aside from that, we need to communicate and let our partner know HOW to love us. Remember we’re dealing with two separate entities with different upbringings, backgrounds and experiences— we can’t expect someone to just “know” how to love us straight off the bat.
How one person receives love best is totally different from another and it is just as much our duty to make clear how our partner can provide that for us, as it is there’s to listen and follow suit.
“Knowing” comes with time and experience, but we have to set the proper groundwork because it is only then that we give the relationship a chance to grow and flourish.
Too many people are caught up on the notion of a “perfect” partner who will know how to love them from day one, but let me tell you, if you hold on to that concept, you are surely setting yourself up for disappointment…and probably more first dates than necessary.
Having to tell your partner to care about you, is a giant red flag and you best leave immediately; telling your partner HOW to love you is mandatory for a fulfilling relationship.