• - M

It's Not You, It's Them...Actually It's Most Definitely You

Updated: Jan 16, 2019

If you keep attracting the same type of partners (the ones that haven't/don't work out), this one's for you.


You’re educated, have a great sense of humor, and are pretty attractive (if you do say so yourself), plus countless other amazing qualities. So why is it you keep attracting losers? Crazies? Stalkers?


How is it, in a world filled with 7,632,819,325 people, you always seem to find the one partner that does you wrong? It just doesn’t make sense. Surely you have some bad karma…


Hate to break it to you, but if you’re continuously attracting the same do-do brained counterparts, you have to take a second to realize that the only common denominator in these situations is you.

You might be gripping your keyboard or clenching your teeth because the previous sentence is not one that is easy to hear and most people won't tell you that. Before you get irate and try to show me how many matches you have on Bumble and the DMs currently left ‘unread’ in your inbox, this has NOTHING to do with your desirability. It does, however, have everything to do with what you are projecting to potential suitors.


This is great news. Why? Because out of those 7,632,819,325 people in the world, YOU are the only person you have control over. Therefore, if YOU are what needs work, all you have to do is decide you want to do the work and then put in the work. Seems much more manageable than trying to change everyone else doesn't it?


So how do you start?


1. Identify the pattern: if you’re constantly “unlucky in love,” chances are you have a pattern (that’s obviously not working).


Example 1: You always seem to fall for someone who lives in a different city, is married, won’t give you the things you need to feel safe in a relationship—all of these are signs of emotional unavailability. If you are attracted to the unavailable, there is quite possibly a part of you that is unavailable that is feeding into this pattern. Figure out what that is.


Example 2: You fall for partners that constantly put you down, gaslight you and make you feel crazy, partners that threaten violence or event act on it—all of these are signs of abusive relationships.  Although this doesn’t necessarily mean you, yourself are abusive, it means that there is something inside you that believes you deserve the abuse you are receiving.


2. Ask yourself what you can do to break the pattern– a lot of our relational habits are learned early on in our upbringing, so revisit what your relationships were like with your parents or caretakers; read books or articles on relationships, hire a therapist or love coach (or both), ask a friend to hold you accountable in removing yourself from a less-than-spectacular dating situation the next time you find yourself in one, etc.


3. Do SOMETHING about it.  After you identify your pattern(s), think about what you could do to change the pattern(s), choose a few or just one thing you can do about it and actually DO it. You might feel hopeless, but you’ve got to start somewhere. If you try to do it all at once, you’ll feel overwhelmed, so pick one or a few things to start with and go!


A surprising amount of how we act in life is because of our unconscious thoughts. No matter how intelligent you are—I don’t care if you have multiple PhDs— your unconscious thoughts have an overwhelming ability to sabotage your conscious ones. Ultimately by building self-awareness, you can karate-kick these unconscious thoughts all the way to Antarctica, but you have to put in a CONSCIOUS effort.


All people in our lives serve as our own personal mirrors—friends, family, and especially romantic partners. If there is something you are attracting, find out what part of you is attracting those partners. If you are repelled by certain characteristics, find out which of those characteristics you possess yourself. It is through understanding these things and taking responsibility and accountability that we are able to change the outcome of our situations.


The Takeaway


It’s you, not them, but you are the creator of your own story. You decide the ending to it!


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