• - M

I Have an Evil Twin

Updated: Nov 28, 2018

…well she’s more like a former version of myself that continues to haunt me from time to time.

NOTE: Miku is my name, but when I started to write self-improvement/relationship-inspired content, I would always sign off as "M," and it just stuck ever since.

Her name is Miku 1.0 (that’s what I’ve named her). She is essentially the downgraded version of who I am today. And she’s the worst.

So who is Miku 1.0? And what makes her so awful?

Similar to the feeling you have when looking back at pictures when you were thirteen, wondering why NO ONE ever stopped you from wearing a cheaply printed polyester, blue snake-skin skort (I couldn’t have made that up people, that definitely happened…with a matching top), me looking back at Miku 1.0 is that, but way worse — because it’s not just a poor outfit choice, it’s the representation of a general lack of self-worth and all the pain that resulted from the choices I made during that period of my life. That is what Miku 1.0 represents to me.

Miku 1.0 is the voice I hear in my head when I made the decision to start my own business that says, “That’s cute Miku, so how the hell do you think you’re going to do that?” “Do you really think you’re qualified to do that?” “Are you sure you want to do that? It’s really hard to start your own business you know?” “Haha ok Miku, good one.”

As you can see, Miku 1.0 is for lack of better words, a BIYATCH. She’s a culmination of all my doubts and fears; the ultimate sabotage-er, and sadly I knew Miku 1.0 all too well.

I was an only child growing up. Super shy, non-athletic, really good in school and near-sighted — the perfect combination for never being noticed and if I was, it wasn’t in a good way. When I was, I was bullied, but I told no one (at the time). I had a few close friends and that’s how it was for pretty much half of my life. It wasn’t until I was about 14 or 15 that things started to change for me (we’ll save the whole life story for another time), but little shy, scared Miku, in a sense, never left me. “Shy” and “scared” are actually not terrible qualities in themselves, but what they translated into in my adult life impacted me immensely — I never felt smart enough, athletic enough, funny enough, and definitely not pretty enough (in between my dorky glasses and “ethnic look” that just became mainstream popular post-JLo/Kardashian era). Basically, I never felt like I was enough for anyone or anything.

And. Let. Me. Tell. You. That is a recipe for disaster. But I didn’t even know that was the core issue of why I had trouble in my romantic relationships and career until YEARS later when I finally understood the term “self-love.”

I give you this brief summary of my life to give you the background of where Miku 1.0 originated from and context to why her presence in my current life is so detrimental and unnerving.

Miku 1.0 is the little girl who doubted everything she said or did. She trusted other people’s opinions of her more than her own and she lived to please, always walking on eggshells. She is not who I am anymore, but just as we can never get rid of a shadow, Miku 1.0 will always be a part of me. However, she cannot exist in the present without me giving her permission to exist. If I give into her voices of second-guessing, the shadow of her grows, but if I stop her from further running her lie-spewing, negative, bitch-ass mouth, she has no choice but to disappear (shadows are dependent on their figures and with light coming from every angle, they can’t survive, you know).

So even though Miku 1.0 pops up from time to time, it does not mean I tolerate her — not in the least! It’s taken practice, but most times when she shows up, I give her the finger and tell her to “fuck off.” I also tell her all the reasons her fear-based, sabotaging thoughts are based on wiggly pillars of lies and how awesome I actually am — according to actual achievements and obstacles I’ve overcome in my life.

In this way, I’m sure we all have “1.0 versions” of ourselves. It took me years of self-awareness, self-work, therapy, and surrounding myself around the right people to get to this level of understanding (and I’m still learning every day, Lord knows).

The Takeaway

The most important thing is not to completely rid our “1.0 version,” but to learn to coexist with them, without them having any power over us.

In a sense, Miku 1.0 serves as a reminder that if I don’t pay close attention to my own thoughts and consciously make the effort to take care of myself, I could end up as her identical twin. She also shows me how far I’ve come. So even though she sucks, she does serve a purpose.

What experiences have you had with your 1.0 version of self? And what are some ways you’ve learned to overcome your own evil twin?

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